Saturday, September 3, 2011

Aww crap, it's that time of year again

The time when all wise knitters start cranking out holiday gifts, because it always takes longer than you think it will. In the interest of giving you a headstart, here's a round-up of patterns (both mine and not-mine) that I think would make pretty bitchin' (and reasonably fast) gifts:

For Mom

Everything Sivia does is absolutely filthy with elegance and class. She is like the Greek goddess of lace and beads, except I'm pretty sure she's not Greek. Her shawls are works of art but I'm betting you don't have time for one of those, so these gloves are a nice alternative.

You think you have time for a little lace? Well okay then. Here's a nice one.

Everyone's mom sews, right? Well, not mine, but if she did, I'd make this, because it's adorable.

Oooh knitted jewelry! Now we're pulling out the big guns. If this doesn't scream "Classy lady who shops at Coldwater Creek" then I don't know what does.

For the Menfolk

Every good man needs a dopp kit to hide his manly accoutrements in.

Actually, for the whole fam-damily. Did your mom used to say "fam-damily" a lot? I think mine did. Weird. Anyway, this is a really cool hat. And better yet, when I swiped this photo from Vivian to post, I learned that the file had been entitled something like "Money-2." As in "Alright! This one's totally the money shot!" I guess. I love you Vivian!

It's hard to talk about men's knits without bringing up Brooklyn Tweed (and Stephen West, but he's next.) And for good reason. Jared is the absolute champ when it comes to timeless knits that work well for anybody, photographed so beautifully it makes you want to puke, especially when you think about the inadequate guttercrust you've been passing off as photography. Conclusion: this is a nice scarf.

Ain't nobody works a manshawl (or a Myspace-shot) like Stephen. He practically invented the genre, smacked everyone else's genres in the face with it, and scrubbed his floors with their delicious, salty tears. I find this scarf particularly awesome, but there are plenty to choose from, if your guy is the type to rock a manshawl. There's even one that looks like a fuckin' hawk crashed into your neck, it's wild, man.

For the Kiddies

Do you crochet? Are your kids totally into goofy internet memes? Perfect.

Knits up quick and does magic tricks!

If you love your child, you will make them this whale. Also, if you love me, you will make me this whale. It is one of the awesomest things to ever come out of yarn.

For when you're feeling business-casual-formal-cozy. Or... something. Oh shush, just make it, I think it's hilarious. For the record, though, boys can wear pink, but only if they're super stylish. Don't you want your kid to grow up super stylish? I thought so. Start him off right.

For your Sisters/Girlfriends

I made these for my sister a year or two ago and she wore them until they fell apart, and then called to demand more. We'll just see.

These totally crack my shit up. You're a deer!

The brioche knits up surprisingly quickly, and gives an overall impression of lushness (particularly in a nice yarn.)

I had a pair of these made for me awhile ago because I was too lazy busy to make them myself- they are like an instant "I feel pretty" tonic.

For your Pets

My dog would destroy this immediately, but if you don't have a "this is why we can't have nice things" personified (dogsonified?) as a pet, it's pretty adorable.

Let's get one thing straight right off. Your cat does not want a frog costume. But you know what? Your cat already thinks you're an asshole, so you might as well go for it.

It's totally ok to knit for greyhounds, because they actually get cold, and because they're so big and regal that it won't make you look like a total nutjob the way you do when you stick a sweater on your maltese. (But let's face it, if you have a doofy little dog, you already look a little crazy, so you might as well dress it up and put it in a purse. And I say this lovingly, as someone who is totally weird about her two dogs, so please, no angry emails about how dignified your malti-poo or cocker-shihtz or poo-shitz or whatever is. They're not, and you know it. But it's ok, they serve other functions.)

You remember what I said about cats in costumes, right? Ok, good. But seriously, look at this. This cat has more pimp in it's dewclaw than you'll ever have in your whole body. Cats do have dewclaws, right? I'm not making that up? I don't know, I have dogs.
(Also, PSA: Don't leave your cat hanging around with strings around it's neck, they are not smart enough to cope with that. And at this point, offing themselves is going to sound pretty good. Or possibly garroting you.)

Another day we'll have to talk about how "it's ok to not knit everything" and "only knit for people who will appreciate it and not lose everything or be all hypercritical and dick-y." But for now I'll trust you to decide whether or not Fido or cranky Aunt Mildred is knitworthy. Seriously, though, START IN SEPTEMBER, it will make your life better.


  1. Eep! Those are my Deer Mittens! Thanks for the mention, it's pretty wild to see them out in the world. I love the recap of fun stuff, it's so easy to miss patterns sometimes.

  2. Hehe, you're welcome, they're friggin' ridiculous-cute! I love traditional-looking fairisle with a kick (those bug mittens come to mind too, haha.)

  3. (Ok, I know it's not really fair isle... "stranded colorwork", then.)

  4. Great collection! Thanks for including my mitts. :) I always want to knit gifts and I usually fail. Too bad I don't have any cats to knit for. I could make that hat.

  5. I love the deer mitts and the sweater with a tie in it. Too cute!

  6. OHMYGODTHATLASTONE. I am totally making that for my brother's cats. They already seem to think they're kings of the building, they deserve a pimp hat to go with the attitude.

  7. I just started my x-mas knitting last week! Actually I have one present finished (because I decided after I knitted it that it was an x-mas present) but still. I agree that now is the time to start! Love this pattern round-up, lots of cute quick stuffs!

  8. Hilarious (yet highly informative and useful) post!

  9. heh heh. you said guttercrust. and i think you should make that frog hat for rupert, he would be so pleased and handsome.

  10. btw, thanks, too, for putting my hat in there and lovingly making a bunch of fun of me in the process! i have no idea who named that picture...ahem.

  11. Aw V, you know I'm just jealous of your pretty hat and fancy photos.

  12. Thanks for all the great links! I started thinking about Christmas presents this weekend while reading Knit One Knit All.

  13. Oh gosh you crack me up like nobody's business! It's almost midnight over here and I almost woke the baby up with my laughter. I love your candidness, and I love your gift suggestions! :)

    PS: I finished the DILIH wrap in Cadmium Chunky Malabrigo IN ONE DAY. I love your pattern!!!!

  14. Thanks guys! :-)
    @Nisey- I saw your Cadmium version! So gorgeous! Malabrigo does wonderful yellows.

  15. Neat roundup! I saw HowlCat at Stitches Midwest, VERY cool! Love that.

  16. Just going to de-lurk to say that that was a thoroughly awesome post. And that, yeah, all of my favorite patterns were in the "for kids" section.


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